Cognitive Dissonance

If ever life were so easy, to be described as "clear" I think I might end mine on that day.
Life is nothing of the sort, nothing a tag along like myself could ever truly comprehend.
You say it's easy, I disagree.
I can't help but shake the fact that every thought I have is cognitive dissonance hard at work.
My thoughts do not reflect my behavior.
My thoughts do not reflect my behavior.
My thoughts do not reflect my behavior.

Sometimes I truly wish I was without a name or face.
I find myself watching people from the outside too often, when in fact I'm on the inside of the situation. People amaze me. General action and reaction, speech and behavior. I suppose thats why I handled everything with my parents so well. And with everything that happened. Thinking back, that never really happened to me. I was just watching a story unfold.

Most of the time, I can look at the sky on a beautiful night or even a rainstorm perhaps. And cleanse myself of my life as a whole. Just kind of live in the moment.
It's a beautifully freeing feeling. I hope you'll try it one day.

I had an odd moment today actually. For just a couple seconds, I forgot my entire past. Everything I had known was gone, for just a split second. But there was not happiness, but I was truly afraid. I didn't have a signature, I didn't have anything to guide my action. More or less, I was a blank slate.

My life has been one string of dissonance after another. One string of things that I did but didn't beleive in or things I beleived in but didn't act upon.
So I have to ask, where do these come from?
The thoughts that contridict my clarity?

I suppose this is what you call a conscience. Truly a manifestation of dissonance between our constantly conflicting thoughts. If this is true, then wouldn't that in theory be regarded as multiple personalities? These exist in all human beings. So that begs the question. Why? Is it an advanced controlled-response to previous experiences in life? Take the example of conditioning an animal. The animal takes it's previous experiences into account weighted to make it's decision on it's next action. So the human mind must do this on an advanced level. And because of the advanced brain structure we posses, creates dissonance manifested into two possibilities. However, the weight of the past experiences is determined by the amount of desire for either outcome. And not just two possibilities. But many. This is where advanced thinking comes in.

And this is where I will leave you for tonight.