Cognitive Dissonance

If ever life were so easy, to be described as "clear" I think I might end mine on that day.
Life is nothing of the sort, nothing a tag along like myself could ever truly comprehend.
You say it's easy, I disagree.
I can't help but shake the fact that every thought I have is cognitive dissonance hard at work.
My thoughts do not reflect my behavior.
My thoughts do not reflect my behavior.
My thoughts do not reflect my behavior.

Sometimes I truly wish I was without a name or face.
I find myself watching people from the outside too often, when in fact I'm on the inside of the situation. People amaze me. General action and reaction, speech and behavior. I suppose thats why I handled everything with my parents so well. And with everything that happened. Thinking back, that never really happened to me. I was just watching a story unfold.

Most of the time, I can look at the sky on a beautiful night or even a rainstorm perhaps. And cleanse myself of my life as a whole. Just kind of live in the moment.
It's a beautifully freeing feeling. I hope you'll try it one day.

I had an odd moment today actually. For just a couple seconds, I forgot my entire past. Everything I had known was gone, for just a split second. But there was not happiness, but I was truly afraid. I didn't have a signature, I didn't have anything to guide my action. More or less, I was a blank slate.

My life has been one string of dissonance after another. One string of things that I did but didn't beleive in or things I beleived in but didn't act upon.
So I have to ask, where do these come from?
The thoughts that contridict my clarity?

I suppose this is what you call a conscience. Truly a manifestation of dissonance between our constantly conflicting thoughts. If this is true, then wouldn't that in theory be regarded as multiple personalities? These exist in all human beings. So that begs the question. Why? Is it an advanced controlled-response to previous experiences in life? Take the example of conditioning an animal. The animal takes it's previous experiences into account weighted to make it's decision on it's next action. So the human mind must do this on an advanced level. And because of the advanced brain structure we posses, creates dissonance manifested into two possibilities. However, the weight of the past experiences is determined by the amount of desire for either outcome. And not just two possibilities. But many. This is where advanced thinking comes in.

And this is where I will leave you for tonight.

?

Zero Resistance

Control will never hurt me again
The consequences are too strong

Muisc is my freedom
From parameter and expectation

It releases me from my body
and changes my reason

A true thoughtful high
Experience will help you understand

I wish I could teach you
Oh how you would enjoy it

An impossibility
Zero resistance

I live in a world
Not quite reality
Not quite a dream

A perfect mixture of the two
That keeps me sane

I don't need your chemical

Though I don't blame you for your jealousy

I've never really touched the floor
I don't know what my body feels like anymore
I hear it's nice though

You and I are more alike than you think
Though you use the back door

Look for me next time you dream.

Feel the breath move past my lips
Outward the warmth of my body flows
Oh what a deadly caress

This sensual destruction has never made sense
and yet I can't look away
I have never felt so alive

And yet I'm already dead
Lick your lips and taste my impossibility
Blow me away

This moment of silence
Is really not silence at all
Destroy me again

Your beauty is indescribable
this tantric impossibility
I can't touch the floor

My body is yours
My mind is yours
I have nothing left

And this death has never tasted so amazing
As it all drips away

Kill me again
Take away what no one ever has before
And never will again

Let your mind drift into the realm of mine,
Where the line between dreams and what is true fades.

I cannot call this my realm,
Since your mind has dwelled here with me
For as long as I can remember.

I float in thoughtless limbo,
And yet my thoughts are clear

They do not belong to this body,
But you do.

Let your mind fall numb,
To those thoughts of uncertainty

I am what I am not
But you are what you are.

Pins and needles signal my return to truth
And I am what I am once again,

But you are what you are,
Impossibility never seemed so entertaining.

(untitled)

Acceptance is a brutal uncertain measure
A risk we take
Compromising our beliefs and skeptical thoughts

We are more alike then you think
and I am nothing like what I am
Listen
And beleive
Accept me for what I am, gnihton

gnihtyreve is nothing but backwards.

Blades.

Eight days of the week
I'm dead on my feet.

I can't beleive my eyes,
The world is turning on me again
But than again what can I expect
I've built up my expectation
Haven't been felled by tempation

I will never be free,
I will never be free,
Let me go

Like a zombie I return
Reborn underneath crimson skies
I awaken to my ability to fly
Seconds hang with me in the air
And everything is silent

The wind passes across my skin
Everything and nothing matters
Maybe this is life
Maybe this is death
What do I know anyway?

Let my reanimated body fly again
Let my soul pour out of my skin
No obstacles will stop me
My body will not limit me anymore

Let me soar in blissful antigravity
Sharp as they might be
My tools keep me sane
They numb the pain

My body is impossible
My mind is corrupt
But I am free

(TBC)

Untitled

I've actually been looking for this picture for a while...

It reminds me of how I've always felt during a party or some kind of gathering with different mind-altering things around.
Not really a total part of the situation I just kind of sit and let everyone pass by me. Almost feels like seconds, when it is really hours. At the same time I enjoy that feeling, knowing that most of the people around me will not retain memory about me, minus the fact that I was present. Almost like a ghost. To be quite honest, I don't know why I enjoy that feeling. But it's almost a feeling of freedom. After all, what am I supposed to do. It's mind altering, in its own way. Watching the modification of others. I suppose it's that, that I enjoy watching.

Primal.

Oh, Primal my love. Why do you prey upon my thoughts?
You are the cause for this madness, and yet I cannot get away.
I am trapped in the homeostatic nature of my brain.
Primal, don't ever leave.
I was programmed to be corrupted. And left with my own destructive government.
Primal, I love HATE you.

L etter

The definition lies poignant on my thoughts.
Appealing in a nature thats more than just arousal.
The fierce remembrance of that one vulnerability.
One-weak-link, so to speak.
The structure starts to decay, and slowly fall away.
Reasons, consequences no longer apply.
Diluded by this madness, your thoughts are frayed.
You're exactly what you were at first, mere animal.

Difference Theory

I have a theory on the difference between people, between intelligence, between everything.
That people, or at least most people, choose their state of mind. To have an active or dormant thinking process. To be overlearned in somethings and not so much in others. To be in mental freefall or to have control. I've come to the realization that I have a mental-control complex. That I will not allow my mind to go into freefall as long as I can help it. More-so that I'm afraid of losing the one power I have cherished my entire life, my ability to think in more than just linear or lateral motion. I'm not actually sure if thats how I think though. Since I've never been inside anybody else's head except my own. I've come close, and from what I learned.. So far, some select people show this non-linear thought process. Most do not. Thats pretty much the only true difference I've been able to draw between people. Baring the more extreme cases, most people think along the same lines. Similar people tend to stay together, and dissimilar people will stay together for a while only to destroy each other after a certain time. This kind of circles around my intelligence theory.
Is that what intelligence is? Having a multi-thread processing brain?
That one I've still to this day not been able to put a label on. But indeed the concept of multiple intelligences appeals to me. Anyway, thats a totally different tangent to run off onto.