Unlock.

As I create my network of destructive signals,
I wonder why I choose to engage in the activities that I do.
And why it is these things, that pull me out of bordem and into my active state.
Why is my mind fashioned the way it is?

My entire life, it has done nothing but defer me from accomplishing the goals that so many other people choose to aspire to. But somehow I think this is what makes me different from them.
My parents, for a long time couldn't cope with the fact that I would constantly have a desire to learn about technology and mechanics. My friends couldn't either. But yet, I was still told for the longest time that I was 'special' and 'different'. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard the phrase 'Is capable of so much more' said, in refrence to my school grades. I never really gave them the time of day. I did just above the minimal amount of work needed to shut them the hell up. The entire time, I would constantly have my head in front of two things. A book, or a piece of technology. My room was littered with the shells of broken phones, computers, copiers, printers, stereos, wires, T.Vs and more. I've been an insomniac for the best portion of my life. And that plague lives on. Reason being, is that an important requirement for me to sleep is that I need to have quelled the need for creation. Basically, accomplish everything I wanted to in the given day. And I've never really been able to do that. I know that once I sleep, I'll loose the vigor I have toward my project. I know sleep is an enemy, that I have no way of fighting against.

Draft.

After studying psychology,
I have found...
That why there are constants to behavior, to psychokinetics, to general life and the likes, nobody really knows anything. I could monolouge to myself for hours on the shear amount of speculation that has to do with psychology. How there is a direct correlation with physiology. Or is there?
I had a final today, and I'd say a good 60% of the questions ended in 'most likely' or theory.
So basically, these scientists really have as much solid ground as modern common knowledge allows. With basic correlations between certain traits and other things.
Publish.

Synapse.

Suseptable to all that we can devour.
All that we can metabolize, so to speak.
Dubbed "the space in between" that allows the connections that comprise our brains.
It can also be a source of exploitation for ourselves.
In a moments notice, this gateway can hailed with a malestrom of chemicals.
And that thought you just had, is now something else.
I wish I could explain it.

Social Dependance For Sanity

Something intresting that I touched upon while studing psychology.
It is not health, nor is it monitary status, not even age determines a person's ability to be happy.
It's simply their social interactions, if any.

The more social you are, and the higher quality of individuals around you (according to your own opinion, of cource.) The happier you'll be.
It's funny how they could make that distinction, and it somehow rings truth to the phrase "money doesn't bring happiness." Well, according to these studies it doesn't. And sadly, I'm forced to agree due to my own experience.

Why is it exactly that we depend on others to be happy?
Not solely, of cource since inner happiness can be attained by the simplest of acceptances.
But why do we rely so heavily on the presence of others to be tension free?
Normally, these individuals that we will place around ourselves will only cause us more dissonance rather than free us from it.

It's a question I cannot answer myself.
But food for thought isn't it?

2:01AM

2:01AM.
Almost symbolic.. this first minute of the 'true' morning passes over me sending a chill up my spine.
I sit in pure silence, or what is pure silence to me.
To anybody else, it would be the whirr of hard drives and the clicking of switches.
I reflect on my day.. pausing once in a while to bask in my overwhelming silence.
The others are asleep, or what sleep has become. An escape from the stress of being awake.
I however, do not abandon my consiousness as easily as them.
I choose to hold onto it with the force of the jaws of life itself.
Even when I do fall victim to slumber, my mind forces me into vivid hallucination.
What sleep has become to me, is a game I force myself to win because of sheer neccesity.
If I were able to abandon all of my regiment against it's attack on my awareness, and succumb to it..
I would be more lost than I am now.
2:02AM.
Time seems to slow as I stare at the seconds moving through me.
Or am I moving through them?
My mind is sadly fatigued with memories of the day that has come to pass,
And then events that have happened.
Still my fingers are compelled to click these switches.
2:03AM.
If I were to count every minute from now, until I fall.. Oh how I wish I could.
Just to know that I have beaten my demon for that long is an amazing victory.
I am enticed by the lush goddess before me.
Come with me she says. Into my world.
My better judgement tells me to ignore the goddess.
But she grows more beautiful and lustful with each passing minute.
2:04AM.
My efforts seem to weather her attempts at me for one solitary moment.
But this moment has come to pass, and another has arisen.
This one that seems even harder to brave.
My eyes grow weary of their current state.. and start to rebel against me.
When I need them most, they seem to wane in vigor.
The goddess seems evermore closer and warmer now.
I fear I am fighting a losing battle.
My thoughts seem to meld together in this fight.
And my reality churns and changes.
Blurs and becomes more virally corrupted.
With every passing second.
Good night.
2:05AM.